I was privileged recently to listen to a friend who was struggling through her emotions after finding out that her son had been sneaking out of the house. Why would I say that is a privilege? Because I consider it a moment of Providence when one person is able to connect to another through shared experience. As my friend told me the reason for her tears, I could feel several things - 1. the audible "thud" of my innermost parts when reminded of something not yet healed and 2. the specific and personal music of my own empathy from not just imagining what she must be feeling, but actually knowing it. This is usually where I start arguing with myself: "just listen...that's what she needs right now"; "Ooh! ooh! I know this one. I have something I can tell her"; "Shhhh - listen to her"; "but I really want to help". I would like to say that I am able to let these two unruly voices combine to make a great decision about how to be a good listener. This time, I hope I did okay. I don't know.
It's a conversation I would love to have over a table with some great food and drink: "what makes someone a good listener?"
Is it just listening? Anyone who knows me will attest to the truth that I can go on forever, because I tend to work through my world by thinking out-loud. So, if you're going to be a "good listener" for me, you'd better get your drink refilled 'cause we're going to be here awhile! I mean, it's great to have someone focused on you while you "let it all out". But is listening all there is to being a good listener? Sometimes I can see the tell-tale signs that I've taxed my listener's attention span, and I don't really blame them. Then, I feel regret for having brought my problems out in the open. The experts tell husbands, "sometimes your wife just needs you to listen. You don't have to fix everything!" But, often this approach just doesn't feel like enough. Problems need solutions, don't they?
What about giving advice? Its a show of concern and helpfulness, right? Especially, as I said earlier, if you have gone through a similar experience and truly have something to offer. I've had friends share great ideas that I never would have thought of without that other perspective, or comforting reassurance that I'm not the only one. And,at times I have been told by others that I said "just the right thing" to help them through their difficulty. Too many times, though, I walk away from listening opportunities and I know that I've said too much. It's one species of "conversational regret" that leaves me horrified at myself. You know what I'm talking about (and I hope you haven't been on the receiving end of this from me, but if you have, I'm so sorry) - it's when you are trying to pour your heart out about something, and at your first breath the listener says "oh my gosh, that same thing happened to me!" and then hijacks the whole conversation to tell you about it. You never get to finish sharing your pain, because you were derailed by the "helpful advice-giver". No, this isn't right either.
How about strategic questioning? I learned one time that everyone has the solution to their own difficulties, and they just need help bringing it out. I was attracted to that idea, because in the course of the training, I realized that what makes me a poor listener is that I tend to think I know what is best for others - and I absolutely don't. I was both humbled and liberated by this revelation. So, I have been on a mission to ask people better questions to help them bring out their own solutions. I really like this, but sometimes it backfires. Some people can feel like they are being interrogated by too many questions. Or they can become frustrated because the questions just confuse them even more. So, this listening strategy calls for some balance and ability to know when to back off. Some solutions just don't come easy...and some things in life just have to be gone through.
So, what do you think? What makes you feel listened to? How do you offer support by truly listening to another? I would love to get your input to this question...
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Honesty??
Billy Joel was right: honesty is a lonely word. I have my reasons for wanting honesty in my life Nothing good has ever come from the lack of it, in my experience. So, in my adult life (and thanks to a couple of Oprah shows) I have been working on being more honest with the people around me. I have to say, it hasn't produced the level of happiness I had hoped for.
A few years ago, I went through a period of realization about myself and the ways that I related to the world. It seems that your 30's are the typical time for this to happen. I realized that I learned as a child to alter myself in order to please others, and part of that was keeping quiet about what I really thought or felt. I can remember a conversation with my husband when we were dating. He loves to debate issues, and he finally got so frustrated with my passivity he said "don't you have an opinion at all?" At this point, he may be sorry he opened that door!
The process of becoming "my authentic self" has been wonderful, and painful, and interesting, and healing. But mostly it's been ugly. I mean, uncoordinated, goofy, bad-dancer-kind of ugly. It has been like trying on a new personality that doesn't even come close to fitting properly. But I love the idea of being an honest, authentic person so I press on. My husband has borne the brunt of my progress, but I think he might say that I've improved some. I don't blurt awkward things out quite as often. And I've realized that being honest doesn't always mean that I need to say something right at that moment. Sometimes it's better to think it over for a while before you speak about it. Sometimes it's not.
By far, the hardest part in this whole process is that I've discovered that other people don't really want you to be honest. And instinctively we know this, because we say things like, "can I be honest?" or "if I were going to be honest, I would say...". Case in point: women's clothing designers. I guess they assume that people who wear bargain clothing are more well-adjusted than those who wear high priced couture. 'Cause we all know that a size 6 at Saks 'aint no size 6. It costs a lot of money to be told what you want to hear! Back to conversations, though. Do our insecure announcements mean that everything else we say is dishonest and just this one time we're going to tell the truth?? Actually, what I think is that it's code for "I know you might not like this but..."or "I am pretty sure you are going to think I'm a jerk, but..."
Lately, I feel like honesty has been very lonely. There is sometimes a high price to pay for speaking your mind - even if you try to do it for the greater good. I find it impossible to get the timing right - to speak at a time when my emotions are not going to get the better of me, and the other person is ready to hear something they might not like. See, I've done a lot of self-improvement in this area, but I'm still not as good at it as I would like to be. I'll continue working on creating monastic-like calmness, and study up on just how to deliver conversational lines and read micro-expressions. But, Billy you hit the nail on the head when you wrote your song. Sometimes, despite my best efforts I end up lonely.
A few years ago, I went through a period of realization about myself and the ways that I related to the world. It seems that your 30's are the typical time for this to happen. I realized that I learned as a child to alter myself in order to please others, and part of that was keeping quiet about what I really thought or felt. I can remember a conversation with my husband when we were dating. He loves to debate issues, and he finally got so frustrated with my passivity he said "don't you have an opinion at all?" At this point, he may be sorry he opened that door!
The process of becoming "my authentic self" has been wonderful, and painful, and interesting, and healing. But mostly it's been ugly. I mean, uncoordinated, goofy, bad-dancer-kind of ugly. It has been like trying on a new personality that doesn't even come close to fitting properly. But I love the idea of being an honest, authentic person so I press on. My husband has borne the brunt of my progress, but I think he might say that I've improved some. I don't blurt awkward things out quite as often. And I've realized that being honest doesn't always mean that I need to say something right at that moment. Sometimes it's better to think it over for a while before you speak about it. Sometimes it's not.
By far, the hardest part in this whole process is that I've discovered that other people don't really want you to be honest. And instinctively we know this, because we say things like, "can I be honest?" or "if I were going to be honest, I would say...". Case in point: women's clothing designers. I guess they assume that people who wear bargain clothing are more well-adjusted than those who wear high priced couture. 'Cause we all know that a size 6 at Saks 'aint no size 6. It costs a lot of money to be told what you want to hear! Back to conversations, though. Do our insecure announcements mean that everything else we say is dishonest and just this one time we're going to tell the truth?? Actually, what I think is that it's code for "I know you might not like this but..."or "I am pretty sure you are going to think I'm a jerk, but..."
Lately, I feel like honesty has been very lonely. There is sometimes a high price to pay for speaking your mind - even if you try to do it for the greater good. I find it impossible to get the timing right - to speak at a time when my emotions are not going to get the better of me, and the other person is ready to hear something they might not like. See, I've done a lot of self-improvement in this area, but I'm still not as good at it as I would like to be. I'll continue working on creating monastic-like calmness, and study up on just how to deliver conversational lines and read micro-expressions. But, Billy you hit the nail on the head when you wrote your song. Sometimes, despite my best efforts I end up lonely.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Eight Minute Wisdom
Well - that might have been an ambitious title. Actually, I only have eight minutes before the oven timer will go off, so i thought I would keep a promise to myself and "just write". Here's my wisdom for today: when you wake up two hours before the alarm, and can't go back to sleep, you should probably get up because God probably has something He wants to talk to you about. Only, (and here's the wisdom) it's probably not a good idea to decide to get "good and awake" by checking email, facebook, and random www sites concerning the latest body weirdness that is going on. Sorry, Father...I squirreled around too long, and now I have to get ready for work. Is there any way you could tell me what you had on Your mind during the day today?? (I'm hearing the phrase "not likely" in my mind...) Will you call me again tomorrow?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
WHAT??? Are you even kidding me - my last post was January 2009??? If there is anyone out there who actually came to our blog site to see what was up - I'm really sorry. I think it's safe to say that I dropped the blogging ball in a BIG way! I will not make any promises, but if you will check back periodically, you might find out something about what we are doing/thinking.
So, what have we been up to? How much time do we have??? I'll start with today and work my way backwards...
Yesterday we had our Ray Family gathering, and I received a book from my secret Santa. It's called "Bittersweet", written by Shauna Niequist. I must be honest, the cover is very attractive, but the thought of another christian self-help book was not (sorry, Holly!) So, I was looking for some time alone this afternoon, and I took it with me to the coffee shop. It took two chapters for me to look for this woman's phone number so I could text her for a date! She's in a completely different stage of life than me, but I am diggin' the way she thinks. One chapter challenged me particularly: "Things I don't do". Short back-story: the book is not an ongoing sermon about stuff, but rather a series of short "stories" from her personal life-lessons and observations. In this chapter, Niequiest remembers some good advice from an older friend: "It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about." (I'll let that sink in for a minute)
So, when Starbucks got too distracting (when you have adult-onset ADD, that means 3 people or more), I decided to come home and make my lists. Here's what I have so far:
Things I do
Love my family (I'm such a list-maker that I followed this with about 25 specifics)
Cultivate fellowship (okay, I admit now that I need time with friends)
Take care of myself (spiritually, physically, mentally, socially)
Stand up for what I believe - this makes me want to elaborate...I'm not exactly talking about matters of faith here, although if it's called for I think I am much more comfortable with what I believe than I once was. What I'm thinking about here are the dozens of things that I live with every day that I have compromised on - against my better judgement, and just for the sake of peace. For instance, dogs should not pee and poop in the garage or on the driveway. I have been entirely too lenient about that, just because I don't want to impose on the child who begged to adopt this dog and promised to take care of her every need (okay...I'm not that compassionate -I hate the complaining when I ask the child to take the dog out to go potty). Another, more serious example: I have always felt guilty about how much TV our kids watch. I felt horribly guilty that I didn't do more than roll my eyes when John suggested a game system when Joe was 5 years old - and now look where we are! I think we have every single gaming system except the Playstation 3. If I had a dime for every grumpy day I've had as a result of kids who don't do what they are asked because they are in a video game-induced stupor, I'd be able to take a vacation by myself whenever I wanted to! I firmly believe that this is not a healthy way to live - why haven't I stood up for that belief? Answer: Because I'm a wimp! To quote Jean-luc Picard in one of the Star Trek movies "The line must be drawn heaahh!!"
Back to the list -
Things I don't do (for now)
Scrapbook
Garden (sad face, but I'll get there one day)
group bible study
cook every night (however, I do aspire to get us around the table as often as possible)
be a PTA (O?) member
**take responsibility for others' choices
**make people happy
Oops...I feel more elaboration coming on. These last two items seemed to flow out of the pen on their own, as if the message was coming to me rather than from me. I have realized through parenting our first two teenagers (especially the first one!) that at some point, we have to cauterize the mechanism that wants to let our children's actions reflect poorly on us. It is one of the hardest things to do, but choosing to think about your child's needs above your own reputation is an experience that calls for a shoulders-back-chin-out mindset. It can also leave you feeling lonely when others around you don't understand your child or your parenting experience. It's sad that we tend to be people of awkward neglect rather than awkward (helpful, supportive) involvement. Maybe parenting wouldn't be so lonely and difficult then.
I have also decided today that I will no longer try to make people happy. I finally concede that I cannot. (sigh...that was hard) (Excuse me for a minute...I have to sing along to "Mandy") Okay, I'm back. Can we all just agree that trying to make each other happy is futile, and impossible, and exhausting? Instead, how about I work on filling up my own emotional tank myself so you don't have to (hint: I've found the most reliable source here is my Creator - he's really good at it!) Anyway, then I won't be so preoccupied with why you aren't making me happy, and I might actually notice what you are going through, and discover ways to love and serve you? I'm going to try that for awhile. I'll let you know how it's going...and I'll probably add to the lists too!
So, what have we been up to? How much time do we have??? I'll start with today and work my way backwards...
Yesterday we had our Ray Family gathering, and I received a book from my secret Santa. It's called "Bittersweet", written by Shauna Niequist. I must be honest, the cover is very attractive, but the thought of another christian self-help book was not (sorry, Holly!) So, I was looking for some time alone this afternoon, and I took it with me to the coffee shop. It took two chapters for me to look for this woman's phone number so I could text her for a date! She's in a completely different stage of life than me, but I am diggin' the way she thinks. One chapter challenged me particularly: "Things I don't do". Short back-story: the book is not an ongoing sermon about stuff, but rather a series of short "stories" from her personal life-lessons and observations. In this chapter, Niequiest remembers some good advice from an older friend: "It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about." (I'll let that sink in for a minute)
So, when Starbucks got too distracting (when you have adult-onset ADD, that means 3 people or more), I decided to come home and make my lists. Here's what I have so far:
Things I do
Love my family (I'm such a list-maker that I followed this with about 25 specifics)
Cultivate fellowship (okay, I admit now that I need time with friends)
Take care of myself (spiritually, physically, mentally, socially)
Stand up for what I believe - this makes me want to elaborate...I'm not exactly talking about matters of faith here, although if it's called for I think I am much more comfortable with what I believe than I once was. What I'm thinking about here are the dozens of things that I live with every day that I have compromised on - against my better judgement, and just for the sake of peace. For instance, dogs should not pee and poop in the garage or on the driveway. I have been entirely too lenient about that, just because I don't want to impose on the child who begged to adopt this dog and promised to take care of her every need (okay...I'm not that compassionate -I hate the complaining when I ask the child to take the dog out to go potty). Another, more serious example: I have always felt guilty about how much TV our kids watch. I felt horribly guilty that I didn't do more than roll my eyes when John suggested a game system when Joe was 5 years old - and now look where we are! I think we have every single gaming system except the Playstation 3. If I had a dime for every grumpy day I've had as a result of kids who don't do what they are asked because they are in a video game-induced stupor, I'd be able to take a vacation by myself whenever I wanted to! I firmly believe that this is not a healthy way to live - why haven't I stood up for that belief? Answer: Because I'm a wimp! To quote Jean-luc Picard in one of the Star Trek movies "The line must be drawn heaahh!!"
Back to the list -
Things I don't do (for now)
Scrapbook
Garden (sad face, but I'll get there one day)
group bible study
cook every night (however, I do aspire to get us around the table as often as possible)
be a PTA (O?) member
**take responsibility for others' choices
**make people happy
Oops...I feel more elaboration coming on. These last two items seemed to flow out of the pen on their own, as if the message was coming to me rather than from me. I have realized through parenting our first two teenagers (especially the first one!) that at some point, we have to cauterize the mechanism that wants to let our children's actions reflect poorly on us. It is one of the hardest things to do, but choosing to think about your child's needs above your own reputation is an experience that calls for a shoulders-back-chin-out mindset. It can also leave you feeling lonely when others around you don't understand your child or your parenting experience. It's sad that we tend to be people of awkward neglect rather than awkward (helpful, supportive) involvement. Maybe parenting wouldn't be so lonely and difficult then.
I have also decided today that I will no longer try to make people happy. I finally concede that I cannot. (sigh...that was hard) (Excuse me for a minute...I have to sing along to "Mandy") Okay, I'm back. Can we all just agree that trying to make each other happy is futile, and impossible, and exhausting? Instead, how about I work on filling up my own emotional tank myself so you don't have to (hint: I've found the most reliable source here is my Creator - he's really good at it!) Anyway, then I won't be so preoccupied with why you aren't making me happy, and I might actually notice what you are going through, and discover ways to love and serve you? I'm going to try that for awhile. I'll let you know how it's going...and I'll probably add to the lists too!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Lunchtime Thoughts
I was home for lunch today, and I logged on to my facebook page. I decided to join the group called "One body of Christ experiment (all Christians on Facebook)" to see what it was all about. I was attracted by a discussion thread entitled "Validity of so-called Bible". Somone had started the discussion by saying he would believe in Christianity today if someone could answer about 5 questions satisfactorily. It all boiled down to "proof", as usual. As I spent too much time reading the various replies and replies to the replies, etc. I got really bored with it all and at the same time amazed at how emotional people were getting about it. I wondered why this person - who later admitted to being a muslim - would even care to be on this discussion site. I mean, why does he even care what christians believe? If he is convinced that his religion is the true way what does it matter what other people believe? I continued to think about this as I went back to work, and these thoughts came to me:
Trying to "convince" someone that the Bible is truth, that there is only One true God, the Son Jesus who made us righteous, and the Holy Spirit who indwells us as Counselor, Comfort and Guide is impossible without a first hand meeting with "them". An illustration came into focus: suppose Sam and I were friends, and I wanted him to meet my husband John. And what if Sam refused to meet John because his friend Jane told him that she heard John was a real jerk and an abusive husband. I could spend hours telling Sam how much I love John, and how great a man he is, but Sam would never believe me fully unless he actually met John, spent time with him and saw for himself what our relationship is like. I would not stop hoping Sam would agree to meet John, but it would be pointless for me to argue with him.
Now, the point where this illustration breaks down is that John doesn't have a Spirit that can speak Sam's language; call him to a meeting; change his heart with an overpowering love. I felt indignant at this person on the discussion site - like if I were face to face with him I might decline to answer his questions on the grounds that my faith does not require that I prove it's Object. I hope I wouldn't be rude or angry. I hope, by God's grace, I would simply challenge him to get the answers himself (because I suspect this guy isn't really interested in listening to me anyway) and invite him to meet the One that has infected me with his extravagant love.
Oh my gosh! Am I saying that we should not evangelize the lost? No. I'm saying that respect, humility, forgiveness, kindness, and love speak a LOT louder than theological arguments. Maybe if Christians would stop trying to prove the existence of Christ and display the existence of Christ instead, the world might be inclined to meet Him. Just a thought.
Trying to "convince" someone that the Bible is truth, that there is only One true God, the Son Jesus who made us righteous, and the Holy Spirit who indwells us as Counselor, Comfort and Guide is impossible without a first hand meeting with "them". An illustration came into focus: suppose Sam and I were friends, and I wanted him to meet my husband John. And what if Sam refused to meet John because his friend Jane told him that she heard John was a real jerk and an abusive husband. I could spend hours telling Sam how much I love John, and how great a man he is, but Sam would never believe me fully unless he actually met John, spent time with him and saw for himself what our relationship is like. I would not stop hoping Sam would agree to meet John, but it would be pointless for me to argue with him.
Now, the point where this illustration breaks down is that John doesn't have a Spirit that can speak Sam's language; call him to a meeting; change his heart with an overpowering love. I felt indignant at this person on the discussion site - like if I were face to face with him I might decline to answer his questions on the grounds that my faith does not require that I prove it's Object. I hope I wouldn't be rude or angry. I hope, by God's grace, I would simply challenge him to get the answers himself (because I suspect this guy isn't really interested in listening to me anyway) and invite him to meet the One that has infected me with his extravagant love.
Oh my gosh! Am I saying that we should not evangelize the lost? No. I'm saying that respect, humility, forgiveness, kindness, and love speak a LOT louder than theological arguments. Maybe if Christians would stop trying to prove the existence of Christ and display the existence of Christ instead, the world might be inclined to meet Him. Just a thought.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Ah, Saturday...
Okay...I have a history of coming late to the party so-to-speak - mainly because I just feel rebellious about doing something that everyone else is excited about. So now I finally have a blog site AND a facebook account all in the same week and I am eating so much crow about people wasting their time on the computer (ashamed face). Hopefully it's just the honeymoon phase.
So, what are appropriate expectations when it comes to blog-sites? Should I think of it as a 21st century diary; an easy way to email a whole bunch of people; or is it really something that people who know me AND random strangers are going to read? I mean, I already get sad when I don't have any comments...is this something that might be detrimental to my self-esteem? I find myself frequently saying, "I wish I just had a bullhorn to the entire country/world so that I could tell people ______" Now I feel like I kinda do have that bullhorn - I could post messages several times a day to let the world know what I'm thinking (anybody in close proximity will tell you they NEVER have to wonder what's going through my mind) - but is anybody really going to read it? I've always wanted to write a book, but I haven't yet found a subject I thought I could write about for more than maybe one chapter. Maybe this is my opportunity to just get out all those small rants and raves - as well as experiences that I think are significant - without the hassles of book-signing tours and demanding deadlines. Hmmmm. Maybe I don't really care if anyone replies. Just the feeling of expression through my fingertips is satisfying. I really prefer feedback in the traditional form of conversation anyway. But, if someone wants to comment, I certainly won't refuse to read it.
Oh, BTW - for those who are Spencer News-deficient: I am about to start my LAST semester of college! Yes, after 23 years I'm finally getting my bachelor's degree!! If you want to you can come to my graduation party - it's gonna be a doozy!
So, what are appropriate expectations when it comes to blog-sites? Should I think of it as a 21st century diary; an easy way to email a whole bunch of people; or is it really something that people who know me AND random strangers are going to read? I mean, I already get sad when I don't have any comments...is this something that might be detrimental to my self-esteem? I find myself frequently saying, "I wish I just had a bullhorn to the entire country/world so that I could tell people ______" Now I feel like I kinda do have that bullhorn - I could post messages several times a day to let the world know what I'm thinking (anybody in close proximity will tell you they NEVER have to wonder what's going through my mind) - but is anybody really going to read it? I've always wanted to write a book, but I haven't yet found a subject I thought I could write about for more than maybe one chapter. Maybe this is my opportunity to just get out all those small rants and raves - as well as experiences that I think are significant - without the hassles of book-signing tours and demanding deadlines. Hmmmm. Maybe I don't really care if anyone replies. Just the feeling of expression through my fingertips is satisfying. I really prefer feedback in the traditional form of conversation anyway. But, if someone wants to comment, I certainly won't refuse to read it.
Oh, BTW - for those who are Spencer News-deficient: I am about to start my LAST semester of college! Yes, after 23 years I'm finally getting my bachelor's degree!! If you want to you can come to my graduation party - it's gonna be a doozy!
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